Ben's Blog

My first Batizado, my first Capoeira Belt!

 
Last year, at a loss for what to do on a Monday night, I decided to give this thing called Capoeira a try. Did a search and found Acer Capoeira. I knew little about it, other than it was a Brazilian marshal art, that's part fight, part dance, part music. After the lesson, my body ached all over, but it was a good pain, I'd really enjoyed myself and decided to stick with it.

Time flies and ...boom, it's been 10 months. Last Saturday was the Batizado, my first ever grading. I passed and was awarded my belt. I am so proud of myself and fellow Capoeiristas who shared the day with me.  It was the first time in my life that I really worked to achieve something. I would not call it hard work, it was too enjoyable, even with the blisters, bruises and sprains.

We continued the party at a local pub in South Wimbledon, where we had an unplanned Roda and Maculele. I'm not exaggerating in saying that it was one of the most enjoyable moments of my life. Myself, forming a part of the circle, looking around, in that candle lit pub, seeing my friends, my chosen family, feeling, contributing and connecting to the growing energy of the Roda. It was amazing to be a part of something so special, so energizing, so lucid.

After it was over I spoke to a friend saying how special it felt, she turned to me and said with a smile on her face, "Yes, it makes you feel alive doesn't it?". I couldn't put it better.

I'd like to call it home.

I have a reoccurring dream of a home, I've never seen it in real life, one day I hope to either build or find it.

This is how I would describe it. Imagine it's a warm summer day, early evening, We are standing on coconut matting, in the living area, facing south. Strong oversized curved natural oak beams form the framework of the house, huge glass windows form the walls, the ceiling is double height, if you look up then you can see the rafters. If we turn our head to the right, then we can see the sun beaming through the handful of fir trees outside, casting long shadows. The light is just starting to turn a tint of orangey yellow, close to becoming a sunset. Behind us is the kitchen area, off to the side is a staircase leading up to a small internal balcony and the bedroom. Can you picture it? I'm not sure if my words do my dream justice.

A non definitive dump of things that make me happy

• My imagination
• My Foster Allen shoes
• My Vibram five fingers running shoes
• Travelling
• improving my Capoeira
• Singing in the Roda
• hanging out with friends
• Lost
• Music
• Concerts
• My thick blue Icelandic jumper
• The Tango
• Reading old letters
• Being loved
• Being in Love
• My friends
• my family
• Remembering my grandparents.
• Taking photos
• Making a mix tape.
• Skating
• Lending a helping hand
• Spontaneity
• intimacy
• Laughing so much it hurts
• cycling
• telling a story
• Cooking
• Eating
• running
• meditation
• green tea
• hot buttered toast with Marmite
• learning new things
• the smell of cinnamon
• Security
• Safety
• predictability
• Thrill of the new
• Orange juice
• health
• routine
• Being on top of things
• a sense of accomplishment

Born in the Seventies

Last night my sister was on TV with her fiancée. He had been asked to talk about the Little Princess Trust, a charity that he and his ex wife had founded in memory of their daughter, who lost her battle in June 2005. The charity provide custom made quality wigs for any child that may need one.

The show was called Noel’s HQ, live on Sky one; (Small side note: I found out this morning that the show’s homepage is part of the sky1 website, one of the last projects I worked on prior to leaving BSkyB.)

Lacking Sky, I had no way to watch the show, so I listened. I phoned home and asked that the handset was left by the speaker of their TV. The spot regarding the charity was brief, but I thought tastefully done, I hope the additional exposure proves to be helpful. Noel announced that  Gail Porter would like to be a patron of the charity.

I had arranged to meet up with them after the show. It had been the end of a long day, all were emotional, but happy about the outcome. I got a chance to briefly talk to Gail. I remember fancying her during her days on Saturday morning TV, she came across as intelligent, warmed hearted and funny. She’ll make an excellent face to promote the charity.

Lastly, I couldn’t miss my opportunity to say hi to my old hero. Just at the turn of the 70’s, Noel was one of the biggest stars in the UK, he was a radio 1 DJ and he hosted the biggest show on Children’s TV – Noel’s Saturday morning swap shop. Seeing Noel again, reminded me of when my grandfather managed to get me a signed poster of Noel lounging on a speed boat. I can’t stress how excited and proud I was to have that unique poster, I couldn’t believe it was real. In my five year old eyes, it was held in the same regard as a rare religious artefact. If the house burnt down, the only thing I'd want to salvage would have been the poster, I considered it priceless. So, obviously, I had to go up to Noel and tell him how infatuated I was. He kindly laughed, didn’t call security and said I must have been scared for life, I reassured him that no permanent damage was done and wished him all the best. Sadly, I’m not sure what happened to that poster.

My perception comes from experience.

I have a personal and ultimately positive episode in my life, one that’s helped shape me, I’d like to share it, but I’m slightly worried I wont be able to express myself accurately and be incorrectly judged, oh well, I’ll give it a try…

I experienced what it was like to have the many things I thought I loved slowly destroyed or taken away; it painfully happened bit by bit. I lost my privacy, freedom and piece of mind. At the time I didn’t have the self respect and courage to fight against what was happening.

Finally something made me snap, I found the strength and support to break free from this situation. Being safe again, I found myself in a powerful and unique position, imagine clearing out your entire existence, complete spring clean, everything gone. It gave me an opportunity to assess what I truly missed, what mattered, how should I rebuild my life?

This happened a five years ago, I’m now in a mostly balanced, positive place, the experience has shown me what I personally consider valuable.

I value my sense of humour, my amazing music collection, learning and experiencing new things, my freedom and self respect. I’d regained the friends I thought I had lost and my aim is to make new friends wisely. I now make every effort to love, keep in touch and share my life with them; they give me strength and I hope they all know I’m there for them too.

It’s funny, some of the things that were painful to loose at the time, I quickly adapted and learned to live without. Most things are replaceable if missed. Owning a book isn’t important, it’s value is in the knowledge it contains. Any lost book can be borrowed from a library for nothing anyway. Without realizing it, having loads of useless possessions can be a home made emotional dungeon. For a long time I missed my pet dog, he was an intelligent, loyal friend.

It’s amazing to honestly feel free and not guilty about it either.

It’s a funny paradox, I wouldn’t have the strength and happiness that I’ve got now, if I hadn’t been bullied through the whole process in the first place. I know it’s an old chestnut of a cliché, but that’s what makes them great:

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

I do not want someone to judge me incorrectly and show me their pity, personally I think it’s a negative thing to offer, not very motivational. To put it another way, a similar thought could be expressed in two ways:

Oh, that’s such a pity, all that you’ve lost, don’t get too depressed.

I prefer this:
Oh, I respect the strength you must have after what you’ve been through, it’s inspiring.

I’m always open to criticism, but aim to dismiss thoughtless negative comments. It’s easy to get pity, but more difficult to get understanding.

I find that what I went through confuses me sometimes, an emotion I wasn’t expecting appears from somewhere, hits me off guard; I have to spend some time assessing it, getting to know it, understanding it, wondering where it came from, I can then normally deal with it.

Carrying lambs

One of my early memories, I must have been about four years old, was my Uncle's farm in the spring. I remember looking up and around me, a corrugated iron barn, in the eyes of child it was huge, hay on the floor and the sweet, rich, warmly comforting smell of dirt, mixed with compost and straw.

The bleating of animals,  It was lambing season, the barn was crowded with people, all doing what was expected of them. I was given a lamb to hold and asked to take it. I panicked, I didn't know what to do, I was holding this small, much smaller than me, scared living thing in my hands, I was sharing their fear. I felt an irrational burden of responsibility, I had no idea what I was meant to do. Yet, it also felt warm, soft, fluffy and comforting. We walked to another part of the barn and I handed that lamb over to someone else, uncertain that it was the right thing to do. I think it was the first time I felt uncertainty, responsibility, just a little stress.

Gramps Birthday Tribute

I made this tribute video for Grampy's 80th Birthday. I finally got round to uploading onto the web yesterday. He was like a father to me, an inspiration, a role model and a friend. I miss him.

Gramps 80th Birthday Tribute from Ben Coombs on Vimeo.

Singing, Dancing and Camping: The Key To A Long Life

Brian Eno has just written a great article about the joy of singing. Capoeira came to my mind while reading it.

At the heart of Capoeira is the Roda and a key part of that is the music. The Roda is a circle of people, with two people competing in the middle and everyone else singing and clapping in time around them. The music gives the fighters strength, they aim to make their moves in tune to the rhythm of the song. It's uplifting feeling a part of something like this.

Brian sums up the way I feel about Capeira  songs and the Roda:

When you sing with a group of people, you learn how to subsume yourself into a group consciousness because a capella singing is all about the immersion of the self into the community. That's one of the great feelings — to stop being me for a little while and to become us. That way lies empathy, the great social virtue.

You can read the full article here

Eight minutes ago

Sunlight is just over eight minutes old by the time it reaches us here on Earth. Or to put it another way, if there's a brief flare on the surface of the Sun, it would have already been and gone by the time our scientists get to watch it.

There is roughly 150 million kilometres between the Sun and Earth. Sunlight takes about three and a half minutes to fly past Mercury, Venus in six minutes, then us at eight. Light from our nearest star Proxima Centauri takes over 4 years to arrive.

So, why am I writing all this? Well it got me hypothetically thinking, it works both ways. Everything we do here on earth is bouncing back out to space.  It's not just light that gets sent out into the vacuum either, it's radio waves too, consisting of mobile phones, TV, internet chat sessions, emails, video calls, earth is a noisy place. There is nothing in the way to stop our broadcasts from going on forever.

And here's my main fantastic point, If I was 150 million kilometres from Earth with a really powerful telescope and computer to process it all, then I could witness life on earth eight minutes ago.

Providing we are at the right distance from Earth one could re-witness any moment at any time in history. You could witness your Grandparents' picnic in the park on a sunny day. Or relive any cherished personal moments, imagine seeing yourself re- fall in love again for the first time.

I'm sure a Physicist would find fault with my thinking, but I don't care. I like the thought that everything is recorded and locked into this universe, nothing is lost in time. It gives meaning and weight to every moment.

I am confused.

I like the person I'm trying to be, but I miss what I had. I miss my old buddy, I feel like a failure, I wasn't good enough. My emotions are all over the place, a little bit of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, I'm close to acceptance.