I’m not sure if closure is the right word, it’s wasn’t a goodbye, more like hello. I hope I got to know and understand my grandparents a little better, saw a bit of who they were as a young couple, before I was born. It was quite a powerful thing to experience, possibly put things into perspective. They were a major influence on my life and will always remain a part of me.
Reliving the smells and the unexpected memories as I walked towards Moraira were so powerful. While walking up the road to the villa, I was expecting the sound of cicadas in the trees, but no, instead I heard wood pigeons, a sound I so closely connect to my childhood bedroom at their house back home in England.
Also, walking past Moraira beach, seeing the four foot waves reminded me of how fearfully high they felt when I was a child, feeling scared, but laughing because I knew I could hide behind the legs of my grandparents in safety.
It was very moving.
I’ve never written a diary like that before, I loved spending a part of my day, making solid the emotions from the day before, it made things so much more real. I really miss it, it made me live for now, making sure my days were full.
A week after being back, seeing friends and colleges, it’s felt odd, reusing and quoting my written words to describe my trip. Now home again, I’ve felt slightly lost, like a relationship break up, grieving for the way of life I’d quickly become accustomed to.
One thought kept echoing in my mind while away, the powerful closing scene from Blade Runner, life can be so beautiful, but it’s unstoppable, everything changes, everything ends:
_I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser gate.
All those moments will be lost in time,
like tears in rain.
Time to die._
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